Wednesday, January 23, 2008
It was a stupid, painful week. Saturday night at 6:18 pm my little bird, Roo Roo, died in my arms - I was so shocked! I knew after the day's events that I would lose her, but when it happened I realized that I'd lived the day in disbelief. I cried for her not to leave me, but she was already gone. Maybe to some, she was 'just a bird' and sometimes during the nearly three years of her being with me, I thought she was 'just a bird' too. But she was so much more. I couldn't write about her here until now. I made myself sick that night crying over her loss, and ended up practically immobilized for almost three entire days. I think today was the first 'real' day I've had since her passing. And the reason for my being able to function again is the stupid part. I told my family that I would never have another bird, but Roger went out and bought the little male cockatiel that I'd coveted the day before Roo died. I didn't know whether to kill him or kiss him. I know he is trying to help, and I guess it did. But I feel like I've betrayed the one who was so totally devoted to me. Yeah, he's gorgeous, and sweet - but will he ever bond to me like Roo did? I haven't even buried Roo yet, I just can't get my heart to part with her. She sits on a fluffy satin 'pillow' in a box in my work room; I wanted to put her in something beautiful that I'd made with my own hands, decorate it especially for her. Maybe tomorrow, maybe I'll find the strength to let her go.... I knew she was an integral part of my life, but I didn't realize how much I had depended on her for the warmth she gave my loneliness I've always felt. I also have been unable to sleep very well for the fact that I feel "haunted" - sometimes I'll hear her little chirp that she made when I was moving around in the night doing my late night duties. Every time I walk into my room I look for her in habit, and miss her all the more.
So maybe this new little 'tiel will help ease some of the pain and loneliness? Will let you know I guess how it goes from here - there's lots to do to start over with a new little soul. Things I try to remember that I did with Roo to help her love and bond with me escape my memory.
I did a lot of reading today on cockatiels and wish I'd done so while I had Roo. I realized that I hadn't treated her as well as she deserved and I vowed that I would do better with "Petey". I am glad that i made sure to request somewhere in my devastated ramblings over the weekend that I would prefer a male, so that I would never have to go through the possibilities of an 'egg bound' bird again. That was so painful, and my first instinct is to protect myself... time will tell if I'm able to let another port to my heart be opened.
The "winning freedom" part of the title has to do with Roger, and after reliving the pain of the week I find that I'm tired and not in the right frame of mind to write anymore, especially about anything else... so I will try to finish this tomorrow - it's a good story so I hope that the interruption in writing about it won't be a burden to anyone, as if anyone reads my dribble! lol But just in case, I'll make sure I finish up tomorrow...
Good night for now, F
