Losing Roo, Winning Freedom

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

It was a stupid, painful week. Saturday night at 6:18 pm my little bird, Roo Roo, died in my arms - I was so shocked! I knew after the day's events that I would lose her, but when it happened I realized that I'd lived the day in disbelief. I cried for her not to leave me, but she was already gone. Maybe to some, she was 'just a bird' and sometimes during the nearly three years of her being with me, I thought she was 'just a bird' too. But she was so much more. I couldn't write about her here until now. I made myself sick that night crying over her loss, and ended up practically immobilized for almost three entire days. I think today was the first 'real' day I've had since her passing. And the reason for my being able to function again is the stupid part. I told my family that I would never have another bird, but Roger went out and bought the little male cockatiel that I'd coveted the day before Roo died. I didn't know whether to kill him or kiss him. I know he is trying to help, and I guess it did. But I feel like I've betrayed the one who was so totally devoted to me. Yeah, he's gorgeous, and sweet - but will he ever bond to me like Roo did? I haven't even buried Roo yet, I just can't get my heart to part with her. She sits on a fluffy satin 'pillow' in a box in my work room; I wanted to put her in something beautiful that I'd made with my own hands, decorate it especially for her. Maybe tomorrow, maybe I'll find the strength to let her go.... I knew she was an integral part of my life, but I didn't realize how much I had depended on her for the warmth she gave my loneliness I've always felt. I also have been unable to sleep very well for the fact that I feel "haunted" - sometimes I'll hear her little chirp that she made when I was moving around in the night doing my late night duties. Every time I walk into my room I look for her in habit, and miss her all the more.
So maybe this new little 'tiel will help ease some of the pain and loneliness? Will let you know I guess how it goes from here - there's lots to do to start over with a new little soul. Things I try to remember that I did with Roo to help her love and bond with me escape my memory.
I did a lot of reading today on cockatiels and wish I'd done so while I had Roo. I realized that I hadn't treated her as well as she deserved and I vowed that I would do better with "Petey". I am glad that i made sure to request somewhere in my devastated ramblings over the weekend that I would prefer a male, so that I would never have to go through the possibilities of an 'egg bound' bird again. That was so painful, and my first instinct is to protect myself... time will tell if I'm able to let another port to my heart be opened.
The "winning freedom" part of the title has to do with Roger, and after reliving the pain of the week I find that I'm tired and not in the right frame of mind to write anymore, especially about anything else... so I will try to finish this tomorrow - it's a good story so I hope that the interruption in writing about it won't be a burden to anyone, as if anyone reads my dribble! lol But just in case, I'll make sure I finish up tomorrow...
Good night for now, F

Where's Waldo? - ummm, Roger?

Saturday, January 5, 2008

I am trying to not to giggle while I type - and it's hard to hit the keys right... I have a very stoic family - my sisters are teachers and one is a doctor - my brother an engineer/spy? for some mysterious company that sends him all over the world. So you can see that my life is rather boring to them and I thought after hearing about their most recent travels that I'd send them a photo of *ours*... lol If you don't know me, just suffice it to say, we live hand-to-mouth here in the Colorado Mountains and aren't the most cultured bunch! lol I used to be, but, hence why my sisters weren't expecting such a guffaw! lol
Anyway, I am getting pretty handy at Photoshop finally and use it extensively in my work for pattern designing. In the off hours of midnite to 3am I decided to make up a little story for my hillbilly husband's brothers - who all live too far away to visit with but by email(how they learned that I'll never know!?lol) that showed Roger (my DH) in different places/scenes of the world every month. This new year he started off in the South East African desert "romping with an Oryx buck".
Now, I know I do a pretty good job of "shoppin'" things but this one took the cake apparently! lol My oldest dr. sis just wrote me and asked about the circumstances of "the photo" and "how long ago was the picture taken"! LMAO!
Yes, I'm going to share the joke with her, but gosh that was a "humdinger"!!
I was thinking, maybe that would be an interesting "service" to provide for a fee - doing this kind of 'family fun' stuff to people that can't do it themselves - my boys are always telling me that I never do anything without thinking of how it could be turned into money! lol
Anyway, just thought I'd share a warm funny on such a dreary day =D
F

Art or Not?

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Seems like all I do these days is think?! My mind runs over with thoughts and things that I want to say - reactions to things I see that make me think and want to write what I feel. Time is the enemy though! I never seem to have time to write. This morning, I'm forcing myself to sit here...

I'm watching 'Ovation Tv's ' "Art or Not?" and it's causing some revelations? in my mind - such as;
I've always tried to fit in with the popular culture of the time and I've always failed. Does that make me an 'individual' or just a failure at 'fitting-in'?

Art, such a big part of my world these days - I don't fit in. I like to put wildlife 'art' out there and things that are recognizable. All of my 'peers' it seems these days are focusing on what I've always considered controversial and rebellious... I don't feel that it's art to put macaroni on a board with other ephemera and try to create a "message" - no matter the message, but the more controversial the better it seems... I don't know what these people are thinking - it's popular to think that if we talk in a jumble and create something that supposedly makes us "think" that that's art.
I guess my work is not art in this respect. I don't have a "message" to put out there by putting a deer in a mountain scene. I just want to give the viewer something beautiful to look at and hopefully appreciate. These "Rayman" type dolls that seem to be spreading everywhere aren't art to me - my 8 year son can and does put out stuff like that. And, still, the only one that probably appreciates what HE does is he adoring mother! lol I keep telling him, if you make that kind of stuff you'll probably go far in that people now are more apt to buy such "crap" as that as they are something I do. It's "popular" and very "collegiant" to buy something based on abstract, "message" or thought-provoking work than something you don't have to go to college to appreciate.

I'll never be part of the "now" culture - I went to college and took Art - I left - I can't see the value in Gauguin , or Picasso, or in old Black & White movies. I think the tattoo artists are amazing. I just got a drawing of what I'll be getting - the typical Phoenix, rising from the flames would have been okay, but this guy is amazing! It's beautiful and speaks to me - it will remind me that even though I've been thru so much, I'm still rising from the pain and ashes of my old life, growing to be a much more beautiful person. So much goes into that one skin painting for me. As it does for most people that get one... Now, that is art to me - it does make me think, but most of all, it is beautiful to look at. As an "artist", I have another view - that of what it takes to create such a piece. I can look at it aesthetically or technically... it will always mean something to me - it's not for someone else, just me....
There's an English woman putting bread, fried eggs, and other crap on a table - it's gallery worthy... why? Have WE made it this way. It used to be unpopular and outsider art - now it's the norm... Does that make me and what I do now the outsider? Unique, special, or boring...

Why do we feel that we must have to THINK of the alternative meaning of an object and "what the artist was trying to SAY"? Why can't we just have art to appreciate? In my attempts to be like the popular culture I've failed. Does that mean that what I do, or others like me, is not art? Because it's not making a "statement"? I don't want the person looking at my pieces to feel that they have to "relate" to me... I don't believe that my work has to "say" something to be viewed as art - does that make me less of an artist, or less "creative"?

There, that's my ramblings for today - now I'm going to get to work. Hopefully my stupid mindless ramblings will shut off long enough for me to "create" something "meaningful"! lol

First posts are always the hardest!

Friday, December 14, 2007

I have put out a few blogs in my day but I think it's time to get serious and write something that makes more sense... I don't know why I feel compelled to write, and am usually discouraged from doing so because of being overwhelmed by my work or kids, or am just too darn tired. Even though that's true of this particular evening, I still want to at least get down a quick comment, just to establish my new blog. Hopefully I will be more consistent and disciplined enough this time to do a decent job of it! It's 12:15 a.m. though here and I am just too tired to make a viable run at it tonite, but at least I've gotten a paragraph down and will now be able to jot down thoughts that I have during the day.
So there it is, tomorrow(well, today!) is another day and now that I can see the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel" in regards to my work and getting orders out in time for Christmas I will be able to finally put mouse to screen and get some substantial writing together! So, I will see what happens later => Goodnight, for now....